I found a bin of my old papers in the basement a few mornings ago when I was looking for a toaster oven. I brought the papers upstairs to check them out. There were letters that I wrote to my Mom from when I lived in Spain and lots of letters and writings from when I was married to my first husband. They make me so sad, honestly – how loving and giving and innocent and naive and boundary-less I was back then. I was trying so hard – and I was hurting so much. I’m not sure why these are coming to my attention right now. Maybe so that I’m aware of my boundaries when I do meet my new husband/lover/partner in life? I don’t know.
I drew “Challenge” later that morning in the Angelic Messenger cards. “You are undergoing a period of spiritual initiation in order to give a specific presence and form to your dreams, hopes and expectations.
The guidance from this card suggests that you are being called to finish up old business, both physical and spiritual, in order to move forward with your life physically and spiritually. You are also being guided to relax and accept the guidance that is coming to you from your angelic teachers rather than feeling you must do everything for yourself and by yourself.”
Pretty interesting to get that right when I’m looking at old issues (old business), right? And I definitely have been feeling alone and sad – and being told to relax and accept guidance feels helpful and soothing to me.
“The true challenge in your life involves your willingness to confront your own inner demons and to allow your deeply-felt dreams and aspirations from your spirit to surface into your life.”
Boy, I feel that. I feel like I’m looking at my inner demons closely right now – the feelings of being abandoned, of being powerless, of being more trouble than I’m worth, of not being enough, of not being at choice, but rather being stuck – it’s all looking at me in the face right now. It’s not comfortable – even as I recognize them as not even true. I’m also still sitting with allowing myself to remember/connect with my spirit’s longings. I remain in a bit of a fog as I wait for my dreams/purpose to clarify themselves for me.
The card then talks about initiation as being a part of a sacred ritual for those entering an important spiritual passage. It talks about trusting the Universe to guide you and provide for you – all messages that I feel are relevant for me. I’m not sure where I’m being guided – but I hear these words to trust. “You will need to accept a deeper and more profound insight into the nature of your life.” Is that what I’m getting from reading these old passages?
“You have not failed, but you are being sought to acknowledge the power of the sacred in your life and on the Earth. You are being asked to trust the Universe because you are awakening to dreams, visions, and spiritual understanding that will serve you well in this life.” Interesting to read this when I’ve been sort of mumbling to myself the past few days/weeks how I’ve “failed at everything” in my life – how I’m basically a complete failure in every area. (I’m not usually so mean to myself – I’ve actually developed a mostly very loving relationship with myself, but every once in a while, the old “beating myself up” tapes run.)
Under the Spiritual Opportunity of this card – it says, “You no longer need to live without, or at the ‘bottom of the barrel,’ seeking only the dregs or leftovers from life. You are made of the essence of perfection, and you are being encouraged to overcome resistance from inside yourself, or from others, and to give your dreams a chance to grow in the world.” I’m going to need to sit with that thought for a while. I can feel it pulling me toward wholeness and healing. I’m willing to let go of resistance and attract my good to me. I’m also willing to accept money into my life, letting go of the harmful ideas I’ve carried that my giving/helping is only “pure” if it is done from the heart without financial gain or motivations. That’s simply not true – and my work deserves to be rewarded. I deserve compensation for my time, my talents, my skills and abilities. I’ve invested so much time, money, and effort in learning the healing techniques and other skills I’ve picked up along the way. Healers need to get paid too!
As I was making dinner the night previous to finding those papers and drawing the “Challenge” card, I was looking out the kitchen window at the beautiful evening sky, the colors and the clouds. I was chopping vegetables and thinking that, honestly, I didn’t much care if I kept living – that I didn’t want to be a burden and I didn’t really have much hope for my life. I was thinking of all of my previous failures in life and in business and in relationships – and just feeling like I didn’t have expectations of things getting any better – or even ever being okay for me (which is kind of crazy because I’m in an ideal situation for me right now in many ways – I love living with my family, I love living in Colorado, I really like this house, I’m happy in my room – I just know that I can’t stay here forever – and the prospect of leaving with no real prospects – that was making me feel like giving up, like my life was over – like I’d failed at everything). And then I looked up and saw a beautiful rainbow in the sky – in fact, two beautiful rainbows – and I was like, it’s a sign that things will work out for me – to keep the faith. I went outside and took pictures. I remembered to breathe and to stay in the present moment. Everything is good here in this moment.
The next morning after the rainbows, I found those old papers, which showed me not only the mistakes I made when I was younger, but also my resilience and how far I have come in the years since then. Then I drew that Angelic Messenger card that told me I’m not a failure – and that things would work out. Isn’t that an interesting synchronicity? And that’s not all! The first pin on Pinterest that morning as I sat down for breakfast was, “You are getting so many signs. Trust it.” Yes, I trust it. It’s not always easy, but I know. Deep down, I know.