Surrender … Or Get Dragged Kicking & Screaming

I think and write quite a bit about “trust your path” and “pay attention to the signs” and those sorts of philosophies. And yes, for the most part, I do believe in those basic concepts. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I nearly always believe them at least on some level – but that sometimes (frequently?) I resist them anyway. Trusting is oftentimes much easier said than done … particularly when I feel like the Universe just isn’t listening to WHAT I WANT! (LOL)

I read a poem when I was a kid, called “Life Is But a Weaving” by Corrie ten Boom, about how our lives are a weaving – and how what we see from the underside is not the masterpiece that the Creator sees from the perspective on the other side. I tend to forget that I don’t always see the bigger picture and that Life always does lead me to where I need to be, always provides for me … and even though I’ve gone through some very hard, painful, and challenging times, Life does ultimately protect me and see me through. Every time.

The person I would like to be would see a closed door (or a bunch of closed doors) and still calmly and optimistically look around for the open window … or would, as the saying goes, see a giant pile of shit and look around happily for the pony. I really want to be that optimistic person who always looks on the bright side! To my great disappointment and consternation, that turns out not to be the person that I am … at least not always … or to be blunt, not even usually.

Recently, I had the experience of looking at a lot of closed doors – like over a hundred. I’d said my affirmations, kept a positive attitude, made detailed lists of things I wanted (because I’d read that the more detailed, the better for manifesting), was sure that I’d manifest everything just like I hoped (was even willing to compromise down to the bare minimum!) … and then was sitting with the uncomfortable reality that there were no doors opening and I couldn’t see how I was going to make it – and by “make it,” I don’t mean get everything I wanted how I wanted it, but literally, how was I going to even survive? I was feeling desperate and mightily pissed at the Universe, my Angels, and every philosophy that had coaxed me into believing something that obviously wasn’t true! And in the middle of my meltdown hissy fit, a door quietly opened.

Now, I have to tell you that this door wasn’t leading to where I thought I wanted to go. On the contrary, it was leading me away from where I thought I needed to be, which was close to my daughter. I would not have voluntarily chosen to move away from her for any reason. Had the Universe given me the success and money that I was hoping for – even in a small measure, enough to survive – I’d have gotten an apartment and stayed here near my daughter. But that’s not where the Universe wants me to be right now, so I had to be brought to a point where I would cooperate. I had to be given virtually no choice – and because I’m me, a stubborn Taurus completely addicted to comfort and security, I had to fight it indignantly and desperately until fighting was clearly pointless. Then, and only then, did I give in and allow myself the opportunity to actually see what was before me and why.

I’m not sure of everything or what’s coming long-term, but I know that the next step on my path is spending some time in Sedona, Arizona with a good friend. I know with everything in me that is where I am meant to be at this time. I don’t know all of the reasons why or what will come of it. We are talking about collaborating on some projects together. I enjoy her company. I know this will be a healing time for me – a necessary time for me. That’s about all I know right now. I am learning to go with the flow, a philosophy which I have intellectually embraced, but still struggle in the practice of actually doing.

Because I’ve stopped resisting, I am now open to seeing possibilities and being excited and hopeful about the future. I’m learning to let go of control and to be fully in the moment, trusting my life path at a deeper level than ever before. I’m learning to let go of being so afraid so much of the time – and allowing myself to live in joy and confidence that all will be well. I realize that over the years, I have built up many walls and shut many doors inside of me for many reasons. I feel some of the doors beginning to swing open – and I’m slowly dismantling some of the walls. It is time for me to let love and hope back in at deeper levels. It is time for me to get excited about life again. I’ve been angry and defensive and afraid for long enough. I’ve been in survival mode for too long. Maybe it’s time for me to drop my defenses more and allow myself to connect with friends and community at deeper levels than I’ve allowed before now.

Living authentically has been my goal for many years now. Unfortunately, my efforts have not been from a place of strong self-worth, so I haven’t had the boundaries needed to deeply connect without losing myself. Also, up until now, my focus had been on giving (with a little codependent need to be needed). Now my focus is on actually connecting, which includes both giving and receiving. In fact, I’m in such a position now that I find myself forced to receive, compelled to accept with humility even when I have nothing other than gratitude to offer in return. It’s a strange, unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to be in. It’s also a place that may allow me more intimate, deep, and loving connections than I have allowed myself previously.

My image of myself has long been as the “strong one,” the one in control, the giver, the healer. I help people. I’ve liked to think of myself that way – and as not needing any help from anyone. As I write this, I can hear my inner two year old self shouting, “I can do it MYSELF!” What a rude awakening that I can’t! And also, that I really don’t want to! I want to have love and support in my life. I want people to want to be there for me and do kind things for me. I want to accept and receive as well as I want to be able to enjoy giving. Which means that I have to let the masks and the illusions of control fall away. That I have to allow myself to be human and to even appear (gasp!) needy. That I have to drop the pretense of self-sufficiency and admit I can’t do everything by myself. And also, that I have to allow myself to feel worthy of being loved and cared about by other people. That one’s hard.

I haven’t completely worked this out yet, but I’m sure some of you will understand this feeling. I love myself deeply. I have worked on self-love and I feel lovable and I say kind things to myself and almost never am mean or cruel to myself anymore. I’ve come a long way from the teenager who thought hating herself was some sort of badge of honor. I’ve become better at boundaries over the years, working on healing from my people-pleasing, codependent ways. I’ve learned to stand up for myself when others were being unfair. I’ve ended relationships that were damaging to me.

The area that I haven’t been able to master in the way I’d like to be able to do – is letting in love from other people. I love myself, but I don’t expect other people to love me. I see my magic, but I don’t expect other people to see it or to value me. I’ve always held myself apart. I haven’t acknowledged it in that way. On the contrary, I’ve tended to say, “I never fit in” or “I’m not welcome/included” – and to be left feeling, “I’m not good enough” (at least for other people – I consoled myself with my own love and lamented not being seen/loved by others). Perhaps this feeling of rejection/alienation was because I didn’t allow myself to show that I wanted to be included? Maybe I was looking at closed doors (the wrong people) and not seeing the open ones right there? Maybe it’s time for me to learn to let love in from connections with others – and stop feeling so alone and like I have to do everything on my own?

I suppose a lot of this comes down to fear – and the ways in which I (we?) try to manage it. One of my core fears has been the fear of “being more trouble than I’m worth” – so I’ve always tried to over-compensate, to be the giver rather than the receiver. Like many (most?) people, I’m also afraid of rejection – even though I tell myself intellectually that it doesn’t matter, that I love myself anyway, that everything works out how it’s supposed to … rejection remains challenging. Avoiding rejection by avoiding risks remains tempting. I’m afraid of disappointment – my own or that of others – and have done everything I can to avoid that, including shutting down my hopes and dreams and desires. I’m tired of doing that – tired of living in fear. Life has got me feeling like I’m dangling on this precipice, about to drop – and I’m not sure how far I’ll fall or how/where I’ll land – but what if Life is just stripping me of all of the things that are keeping me from living the authentic, loving, connected life that I really want – that I’ve always wanted?

Maybe I’m actually on the verge of getting out of my own way. I am already beginning to allow people to love me as I am, to accept their kindness and support and love without feeling like I’m a burden who isn’t worth it. Maybe I needed to allow myself to believe that I am worthy not only of my own love, but also that I am worthy of the love of others. Maybe I can actually offer myself the unconditional love and grace that I have offered to others – and carry the expectation that I will be valued by others too even if I don’t have anything other than myself to offer.

I’ve been fighting and swearing and stomping around and cursing the Universe for what I’ve been seeing as a bunch of betrayals – a lack of help or at least cooperation. They say the Universe helps those who help themselves. Well, I call bullshit! I’ve been working my ass off! I’ve (I thought) been following Guidance and doing what it seemed like I was being guided to do. I did NOT see the Universe stepping up to do its part. On the contrary, I saw the Universe just allowing me to fall on my ass repeatedly. I risked everything getting my invention patented and trying to bring it out into the world to help people – and ended up breaking both of my arms and going bankrupt. WHERE WAS THE HELP THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME? I published my 3 book series – and I’ve only sold 16 copies so far, not for lack of trying. WHERE IS THE HELP OF THE UNIVERSE TO PUT ME IN FRONT OF THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND HELP ME BE SUCCESSFUL? I did the work. I took the chances. Where is the “you build it, they will come”?!? Why isn’t any of this working out for me? I’ve worked my whole life helping people, being kind to people, doing good in the world … and here I am with nothing to show for it (financially speaking, anyway). WTF, Universe?!? Seriously, W.T.F?!? It’s so insulting to have done everything “right” – and to end up in this position!

What I realize now – is that even though things don’t look ideal for me in this moment – I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Also, even though I don’t have the kind of financial security that I would like to have, I do have a roof over my head. It’s not my roof, but I have shelter and a comfy bed. I have not gone hungry. I have spent – and am spending – time with people that I love dearly. When I fell and broke both of my arms a few years ago, a human angel took me in and took care of me for two months. No matter what has happened in my life, Life has sent people to help me. My life mostly hasn’t looked the way that I wanted it to look, but honestly, Life always has led me to a pretty good place. Since I’ve stopped fighting it, this new move has got me excited. I think this is just the beginning of a great new adventure and more blessings than I can even imagine from here! I’m holding the idea as strongly as I can, TRUST YOUR PATH! I may not have the level of control I’d like to have – and it may not look like what I thought I wanted – but I am being led in the right direction. I know this now. It’s also a much more pleasant experience when I’m not fighting it, so there’s that. Here we go!