Letting Go of Spiritual Superstitions

It started innocently enough. I read somewhere that words have power, and was admonished to watch what I say so that I didn’t accidentally create anything that I didn’t want. I stopped saying careless phrases like, “it’s killing me” or “I can’t afford that” and started doing mental gymnastics to phrase things in a way that didn’t promote new dangers and threats to my life, happiness, wealth, and well-being.

One superstition led to another. I avoided saying anything “negative” and started saying affirmations like mantras, concerned that if I didn’t offer enough affirmations to the powers that be, that my luck would fade and I would be cursed (never mind the fact that I was already living a very blessed life and had never previously uttered any affirmations at all!). I affirmed everything I wanted to be, do, and have – both in writing and verbally. I started keeping a gratitude journal, believing the trope that the more grateful we are, the more good we attract. Even when I’d rather have been doing other things, I made myself slog through writing a whole page of things I was grateful for each day. When life got busy, I would fall away from the practice, but then I’d remember and start doing it religiously again.

I grabbed onto “spiritual insights” like someone in the desert rushing toward mirages. Not just spiritual insights, but also beliefs about love (which may or may not be spiritual). I became immersed in this philosophy of “see only love” – like, to look beyond the annoying and horrible things (of varying degrees) that people do and see their “true essence” – which, of course, is love. I tried to believe in the “we are all one” concept – and while I can see that from a standpoint of that we are all connected and that what we do affects the whole, I need to emphatically state that while we may all be connected and part of the human family, we are most definitely not all the same – and we are not impacted the same by various events and systems. I also don’t believe that the core essence of all of us is love. I’m in deep questioning in this moment if some people actually have any love or humanity in them at all – or are simply pure evil. I’m definitely not willing to “see only love” in these people who cause so much harm and destruction.

Like chasing mirages in the desert: Is it real? Is it true?
Am I deceiving myself because of what I want to believe?

I’ve embraced the “love conquers all” philosophy. I’ve wanted it to be true. I’ve wanted to be a “good, loving person” who practiced unconditional love and peace. If others held that same intention, it might work – but when so many others do not, it just makes one an easy victim. It’s easy to gaslight, manipulate, and even abuse people who are determined to keep loving and seeing only the good in everyone. I’ve written before about how I’ve gaslighted myself and used spiritual bypassing as a way to not deal with acknowledging the real harm and abuse that I was accepting in my relationships in the name of “love” – and doing something to protect myself, like ending those relationships. Choosing to “see only good/love” in other people is a dangerous, misguided concept that puts everyone and everything that matters at risk – at least at the level I was attempting to practice that concept.

I went from the religion that I grew up in (Baptist) where everything made sense because “God willed it” – to rejecting that religion and searching for another way for everything to make sense. Unfortunately, I think that some of the ideas/concepts that I grabbed onto were just as misguided and man-made, born of fear and enmeshed with demands of compliance, as those of the religion that I’d left behind. I think it’s natural and human to seek answers that give us comfort and some understanding of our place in the Universe. I’m not trying to take that away from anyone – whatever works to get us through the day/night is beneficial. For me, though, I’m finding these fear-based spiritual superstitions and mandates of love/understanding/peace to be almost as limiting and damaging and false as the abusive religion that I grew up with.

Here’s what I’m noting: my dad came to this country from Scotland with nothing. He built a business, became successful, had a beautiful home and a succession of yachts, each increasing in size over time. I’m quite certain that he never wrote or said an affirmation. He wrote a business plan. He didn’t write a gratitude journal. Ever. His life was blessed, but he was tormented and drank/smoked himself to death by the age of 61. After my dad got my mom to leave the Baptist church, she became under the spell of the same sort of spiritual principles as I did. She kept a gratitude journal, said and wrote her affirmations, meditated, ate healthy, saw a chiropractor and an acupuncturist, took endless supplements – in other words, “did everything right” – and in spite of it all, coupled with lots of prayers and healing energies sent her way, still died at the age of 72 of the breast cancer that she’d suffered with for 4 years. At what point do we question if all (any?) of this stuff really works?

Speaking for myself, I can say that I had a blessed and fortunate life in my younger years, in spite of nearly debilitating low self-esteem that was primarily due to abuses of the church and church school I attended until I was 14. My life improved immensely when my dad finally put his foot down and got us out of that church and parochial school. Some of the damage ran deep and impacted me for decades. I will say that affirmations helped me to heal in some ways. But the affirmations themselves became their own problem in other ways – a false crutch, perhaps? My commitment to unconditional love and to seeing the best in others led me into unhealthy, imbalanced, and at times, abusive relationships. I’ve willingly allowed myself to be used and manipulated. I failed to have self-protective boundaries because I thought it more important to put “love” and the relationship first. I tried so hard to be the “good” person that I thought my spirituality demanded of me – and all that landed me was broke and alone. I do have good friends and dear family, but that’s not because of affirmations or gratitude journals. In fact, I’m pretty sure that nothing good that has happened in my life has had anything to do with affirmations or gratitude journals.

I’ve wanted to believe that love was all that mattered, that love was enough,
that love could conquer all. I affirmed this and it wasn’t true.

Maybe life is just life – and we have the experiences we are meant to have regardless of whether we ask, pray, affirm, or otherwise request what we want. I’ve had too many synchronicities and signs to believe that I’m not guided or that there aren’t angelic messengers or some kind of Spirit Guides or organizing force/s at work in my life. I’m just questioning my ability to have much influence on what happens. I’ve had many good times and many bad times in my life – and generally very little to no control over how it was going. I’d like to say I’ve had control over my attitude – but even that is barely true. I’ve tried to keep a positive attitude as much as possible, believing that was the “right” thing to do – but I’m starting to wonder if that isn’t another toxic belief that prohibits us from a full range of necessary and appropriate emotions. Maybe we all need to spend a little more time with our anger. Maybe we need to not let things slide, not look on the bright side … but rather fix the shit that is going wrong and is unacceptable. Maybe we need less civility and more social justice, less programming (religious, spiritual, social, cultural) and more authentic passion and expression.

I don’t have the answers. I’m not sure there even are answers. I just have questions … and I’m trying to create some breathing room between myself and some of the belief systems that I’ve embraced. I still like looking at, for example, inspirational memes – but now I take everything in with a more critical eye. Do I believe that? Is it true? Is it always true or just sometimes true – or maybe rarely true? I’m not writing in my gratitude journal these days. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful. I am. I always have been. Even as a young child, I remember looking out at the lake and the trees where I lived and feeling filled with a sense of connection and gratitude. I’ve spent many days during this pandemic looking out at the tree I’ve connected with and the blue sky and clouds and feeling grateful – not out of a sense of duty to be grateful, but out of a natural connection that I feel with life. That gratitude is not performative, as is potentially the gratitude in my journals. It just exists in me of its own accord.

Can I tell you something? Years ago, my good friend who also works in energy healing suggested that I write a “hate” journal – that every day I write down ten things I hated. At the time, I had tremendous pain in my feet – so much so that I could barely walk across a room, much less around the block. When I woke up in the mornings, I hobbled to the bathroom in nearly excruciating pain. I wrote down the things I hated for a few months. The pain went away. I haven’t had trouble with foot pain or walking in years. I can walk for an hour now without suffering – for years that possibility had been inconceivable. Maybe all of this spiritual bypassing and trying to be a “good, positive, loving person” is actually driving pain and negativity into our bodies? Maybe pushing down or sublimating our anger, hatred, rage, and other so-called “negative” emotions is detrimental to our well-being? Maybe our affirmations, insistence on avoiding negative emotions, forgiving transgressions instantly (or worse, saying that they never existed, that there is nothing to forgive – looking at you, Course In Miracles), and clinging to our positivity and determination to “be love” in all instances, is not actually beneficial for our lives at all.

This daily practice may have helped me more than affirmations ever did!

When I left my religion, I remember spending some time semi-waiting for God to strike me dead. I thought blasphemous thoughts. I did “sinful” things … and waited. Nothing. Eventually, I stopped living in fear of a vengeful God. I’m experiencing a similar feeling right now – a sense of blasphemy – and waiting for the “Universe” to strike me down. But I’m not really that afraid – because I have this knowing inside of me that I’ve been believing lies (or, more generously, misinformation) and I’ve been afraid of illusions. Just like the Holy Bible was written by men, so too have all of the spiritual principles I’ve ever been exposed to, been written by human beings, perhaps inspired by a Higher Power, but nonetheless, filtered through a human’s limited awareness and experience. I’m not blindly accepting any of it as my truth.

Have you ever half-expected to be struck down?

Whatever Truths are out there – they aren’t malevolent and they don’t demand my submission or obsequiousness, of this I am sure. They don’t demand my affirmations, my positivity, or even my gratitude. I’m fairly certain they are unmoved by any of my thoughts or emotions. The only impact my thoughts and emotions have is on me – and perhaps the people around me, just by virtue of my energy, mood, and actions. I’m learning to be okay in the not-knowing. I’m loosening my grip on the illusions I’ve been clinging to in order to try to give myself a sense of safety and control in my own universe. I’m realizing how truly illusory that has always been. I don’t know what comes next. I’m not drawing it on a freaking menu, giving God His part and doing my part. I’m not “manifesting” in detail what I want. I’m sick of playing those games. I’m proud of myself for leaving the phrase “I’m sick of” in here – because for decades I would have feared that invited illness and would have changed it to something else so as not to get sick. I’m not living in the fear of “doing it wrong” anymore.

You know what? In spite of how careful I was, I still got cancer. I still suffered through many illnesses over the years. I still fell and broke both arms. My affirmations and prayers and relentless positivity and unconditional love did not deliver me from life. Nope. Life went on and did its thing. If I get sick now or in the future, it won’t be because I said I was sick of something! It will be because sometimes people get sick. Life happens. I’m taking my Vitamin D and wellness herbs and staying home/in as much as possible and doing everything in my power to stay well. I’m sick of being afraid that if I don’t think and feel all of the “right” thoughts and emotions, that some great tragedy will befall me. That kind of “spirituality” feels as abusive to me as my former religion. I’m not going to allow or accept any fear-based concepts to run my life or manipulate my belief systems, to the extent that I can help it. I recognize that some of these beliefs are so ingrained in me at this point that I’m not always aware of them. I’m doing my best – and that’s enough.

I still have faith and hope and compassion and values and ethics. I remain a multi-faceted spiritual being. I value love above all things, but self-love and boundaries are a top priority. I also value anger and even rage and hatred. They have their place. I don’t believe that you can truly love if you aren’t willing to fiercely defend and protect when necessary. You don’t allow someone or something you love to be harmed without taking action to keep them safe. I’ve often quoted Carl Jung’s “I’d rather be whole than good.” My spirituality includes it all. My spirituality allows me to feel safe in my wholeness, unrebuked for my mistakes and flaws, and unpunished for my lacks, limitations, and non-compliance. My spirituality refuses to be contained by words, concepts, emotions, feelings, or beliefs. My spirituality does not expect or demand my fear. There are no forces waiting for me to say or think or feel the wrong thing, then swoop in with a punishment. On the contrary, my spirituality allows me to rest in the knowledge that I am limitless, powerful, free, connected, and unconditionally loved. Even so, life remains a mystery and much is completely out of my control. My attempts to pretend otherwise have been futile. Now what?

Surrender … Or Get Dragged Kicking & Screaming

I think and write quite a bit about “trust your path” and “pay attention to the signs” and those sorts of philosophies. And yes, for the most part, I do believe in those basic concepts. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I nearly always believe them at least on some level – but that sometimes (frequently?) I resist them anyway. Trusting is oftentimes much easier said than done … particularly when I feel like the Universe just isn’t listening to WHAT I WANT! (LOL)

Recognize this? I posted about this a little while ago.

I read a poem when I was a kid, called “Life Is But a Weaving” by Corrie ten Boom, about how our lives are a weaving – and how what we see from the underside is not the masterpiece that the Creator sees from the perspective on the other side. I tend to forget that I don’t always see the bigger picture and that Life always does lead me to where I need to be, always provides for me … and even though I’ve gone through some very hard, painful, and challenging times, Life does ultimately protect me and see me through. Every time.

The person I would like to be would see a closed door (or a bunch of closed doors) and still calmly and optimistically look around for the open window … or would, as the saying goes, see a giant pile of shit and look around happily for the pony. I really want to be that optimistic person who always looks on the bright side! To my great disappointment and consternation, that turns out not to be the person that I am … at least not always … or to be blunt, not even usually.

Recently, I had the experience of looking at a lot of closed doors – like over a hundred. I’d said my affirmations, kept a positive attitude, made detailed lists of things I wanted (because I’d read that the more detailed, the better for manifesting), was sure that I’d manifest everything just like I hoped (was even willing to compromise down to the bare minimum!) … and then was sitting with the uncomfortable reality that there were no doors opening and I couldn’t see how I was going to make it – and by “make it,” I don’t mean get everything I wanted how I wanted it, but literally, how was I going to even survive? I was feeling desperate and mightily pissed at the Universe, my Angels, and every philosophy that had coaxed me into believing something that obviously wasn’t true! And in the middle of my meltdown hissy fit, a door quietly opened.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, a door opens for you that you are meant to go through.

Now, I have to tell you that this door wasn’t leading to where I thought I wanted to go. On the contrary, it was leading me away from where I thought I needed to be, which was close to my daughter. I would not have voluntarily chosen to move away from her for any reason. Had the Universe given me the success and money that I was hoping for – even in a small measure, enough to survive – I’d have gotten an apartment and stayed here near my daughter. But that’s not where the Universe wants me to be right now, so I had to be brought to a point where I would cooperate. I had to be given virtually no choice – and because I’m me, a stubborn Taurus completely addicted to comfort and security, I had to fight it indignantly and desperately until fighting was clearly pointless. Then, and only then, did I give in and allow myself the opportunity to actually see what was before me and why.

I’m not sure of everything or what’s coming long-term, but I know that the next step on my path is spending some time in Sedona, Arizona with a good friend. I know with everything in me that is where I am meant to be at this time. I don’t know all of the reasons why or what will come of it. We are talking about collaborating on some projects together. I enjoy her company. I know this will be a healing time for me – a necessary time for me. That’s about all I know right now. I am learning to go with the flow, a philosophy which I have intellectually embraced, but still struggle in the practice of actually doing.

I’ve got healing (and possibly work) to do in Sedona.
I don’t know what all lies ahead, but this is the next step on my path.

Because I’ve stopped resisting, I am now open to seeing possibilities and being excited and hopeful about the future. I’m learning to let go of control and to be fully in the moment, trusting my life path at a deeper level than ever before. I’m learning to let go of being so afraid so much of the time – and allowing myself to live in joy and confidence that all will be well. I realize that over the years, I have built up many walls and shut many doors inside of me for many reasons. I feel some of the doors beginning to swing open – and I’m slowly dismantling some of the walls. It is time for me to let love and hope back in at deeper levels. It is time for me to get excited about life again. I’ve been angry and defensive and afraid for long enough. I’ve been in survival mode for too long. Maybe it’s time for me to drop my defenses more and allow myself to connect with friends and community at deeper levels than I’ve allowed before now.

Living authentically has been my goal for many years now. Unfortunately, my efforts have not been from a place of strong self-worth, so I haven’t had the boundaries needed to deeply connect without losing myself. Also, up until now, my focus had been on giving (with a little codependent need to be needed). Now my focus is on actually connecting, which includes both giving and receiving. In fact, I’m in such a position now that I find myself forced to receive, compelled to accept with humility even when I have nothing other than gratitude to offer in return. It’s a strange, unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to be in. It’s also a place that may allow me more intimate, deep, and loving connections than I have allowed myself previously.

My image of myself has long been as the “strong one,” the one in control, the giver, the healer. I help people. I’ve liked to think of myself that way – and as not needing any help from anyone. As I write this, I can hear my inner two year old self shouting, “I can do it MYSELF!” What a rude awakening that I can’t! And also, that I really don’t want to! I want to have love and support in my life. I want people to want to be there for me and do kind things for me. I want to accept and receive as well as I want to be able to enjoy giving. Which means that I have to let the masks and the illusions of control fall away. That I have to allow myself to be human and to even appear (gasp!) needy. That I have to drop the pretense of self-sufficiency and admit I can’t do everything by myself. And also, that I have to allow myself to feel worthy of being loved and cared about by other people. That one’s hard.

Do you know this inner 2 year old? “I can do it MYSELF!” – but really can’t?

I haven’t completely worked this out yet, but I’m sure some of you will understand this feeling. I love myself deeply. I have worked on self-love and I feel lovable and I say kind things to myself and almost never am mean or cruel to myself anymore. I’ve come a long way from the teenager who thought hating herself was some sort of badge of honor. I’ve become better at boundaries over the years, working on healing from my people-pleasing, codependent ways. I’ve learned to stand up for myself when others were being unfair. I’ve ended relationships that were damaging to me.

The area that I haven’t been able to master in the way I’d like to be able to do – is letting in love from other people. I love myself, but I don’t expect other people to love me. I see my magic, but I don’t expect other people to see it or to value me. I’ve always held myself apart. I haven’t acknowledged it in that way. On the contrary, I’ve tended to say, “I never fit in” or “I’m not welcome/included” – and to be left feeling, “I’m not good enough” (at least for other people – I consoled myself with my own love and lamented not being seen/loved by others). Perhaps this feeling of rejection/alienation was because I didn’t allow myself to show that I wanted to be included? Maybe I was looking at closed doors (the wrong people) and not seeing the open ones right there? Maybe it’s time for me to learn to let love in from connections with others – and stop feeling so alone and like I have to do everything on my own?

I suppose a lot of this comes down to fear – and the ways in which I (we?) try to manage it. One of my core fears has been the fear of “being more trouble than I’m worth” – so I’ve always tried to over-compensate, to be the giver rather than the receiver. Like many (most?) people, I’m also afraid of rejection – even though I tell myself intellectually that it doesn’t matter, that I love myself anyway, that everything works out how it’s supposed to … rejection remains challenging. Avoiding rejection by avoiding risks remains tempting. I’m afraid of disappointment – my own or that of others – and have done everything I can to avoid that, including shutting down my hopes and dreams and desires. I’m tired of doing that – tired of living in fear. Life has got me feeling like I’m dangling on this precipice, about to drop – and I’m not sure how far I’ll fall or how/where I’ll land – but what if Life is just stripping me of all of the things that are keeping me from living the authentic, loving, connected life that I really want – that I’ve always wanted?

Maybe I’m actually on the verge of getting out of my own way. I am already beginning to allow people to love me as I am, to accept their kindness and support and love without feeling like I’m a burden who isn’t worth it. Maybe I needed to allow myself to believe that I am worthy not only of my own love, but also that I am worthy of the love of others. Maybe I can actually offer myself the unconditional love and grace that I have offered to others – and carry the expectation that I will be valued by others too even if I don’t have anything other than myself to offer.

Maybe now I can get out of my own way and stop hiding and isolating myself
from others. Maybe I can include myself in community.

I’ve been fighting and swearing and stomping around and cursing the Universe for what I’ve been seeing as a bunch of betrayals – a lack of help or at least cooperation. They say the Universe helps those who help themselves. Well, I call bullshit! I’ve been working my ass off! I’ve (I thought) been following Guidance and doing what it seemed like I was being guided to do. I did NOT see the Universe stepping up to do its part. On the contrary, I saw the Universe just allowing me to fall on my ass repeatedly. I risked everything getting my invention patented and trying to bring it out into the world to help people – and ended up breaking both of my arms and going bankrupt. WHERE WAS THE HELP THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME? I published my 3 book series – and I’ve only sold 16 copies so far, not for lack of trying. WHERE IS THE HELP OF THE UNIVERSE TO PUT ME IN FRONT OF THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND HELP ME BE SUCCESSFUL? I did the work. I took the chances. Where is the “you build it, they will come”?!? Why isn’t any of this working out for me? I’ve worked my whole life helping people, being kind to people, doing good in the world … and here I am with nothing to show for it (financially speaking, anyway). WTF, Universe?!? Seriously, W.T.F?!? It’s so insulting to have done everything “right” – and to end up in this position!

What I realize now – is that even though things don’t look ideal for me in this moment – I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Also, even though I don’t have the kind of financial security that I would like to have, I do have a roof over my head. It’s not my roof, but I have shelter and a comfy bed. I have not gone hungry. I have spent – and am spending – time with people that I love dearly. When I fell and broke both of my arms a few years ago, a human angel took me in and took care of me for two months. No matter what has happened in my life, Life has sent people to help me. My life mostly hasn’t looked the way that I wanted it to look, but honestly, Life always has led me to a pretty good place. Since I’ve stopped fighting it, this new move has got me excited. I think this is just the beginning of a great new adventure and more blessings than I can even imagine from here! I’m holding the idea as strongly as I can, TRUST YOUR PATH! I may not have the level of control I’d like to have – and it may not look like what I thought I wanted – but I am being led in the right direction. I know this now. It’s also a much more pleasant experience when I’m not fighting it, so there’s that. Here we go!

I’m not sure where the path is leading, but maybe I can trust it anyway.
Maybe I can choose to believe that the Universe is actually conspiring
on my behalf – that the Universe wants what is best
for me (and knows what is best for me!)

Dark Nights of the Soul

TW/CW: depression, suicide references/ideation, profanity

I’m not really sure how to talk about this, but I am sure that talking about it is likely to help someone feel less alone – and may even help – so I’m just going to jump in. I’m just coming out of a dark night of the soul. I’ve had a few in my life. They just seem to happen from time to time – I’m not even always sure why. Sometimes life just seems overwhelming and/or hopeless, no matter how much optimism I try to inject or how many affirmations I say. The masks fall away and there I am, feeling alone and broken and like my life will never be okay again.

This one I kind of saw coming. A slow build-up of months watching money go out and no money coming in, while the little I had was rapidly disappearing. A few rejections to over a hundred job applications, but mostly nobody paying any attention to me at all. No responses or acknowledgments, not even a form letter saying, “Thanks for applying, but we went with someone else.” I bitched about that on my other blog. Like, at least the courtesy of a fucking response! Is it so hard in 2020 to be human?

It came down to that I was asked to leave where I’d been staying for free (complicated story, irrelevant) – I had no money for a place to live, and I was only going to be able to make one more car payment before I was out of money completely. Desperation set in. I thought I had no other choice than to do what I’d been avoiding: accept a job doing massage therapy and work outside the safety of home. I interviewed at one place and was like, no fucking way. I interviewed at the second place, gave the owner a massage, and was hired on the spot. (I was uncompensated for that massage, by the way, which is disgustingly unfair in my opinion – even if it’s a fucking tryout, pay the massage therapist for their work!) From that moment, anxiety and despair took hold at an alarming rate.

I was mad at Life. I was yelling at my Angels, rejecting the spiritual principles that are usually my guiding light (see my last blog post for evidence of that – I don’t disavow what I said – I just hold space for there being more), and stomping around like an angry toddler. But it was worse than that. Because I felt like I was risking my life for a tiny stupid paycheck – and that even with that job busting my ass and potentially exposing myself to Covid (and as a high risk person in multiple ways, that was terrifying to me), I still wasn’t going to be able to afford an apartment by myself! Most single people can’t afford to live on their own in this economy – especially if they don’t start off with a hefty savings account of (probably inherited) money.

So, my future was looking bleak. I couldn’t see any way that my life would ever be anything other than a painful struggle just to survive. I’d been having flashes of thoughts for months, thinking that maybe it was just time to give up, to slip away, to die. I wasn’t planning my suicide – I wouldn’t do that (I thought – we never actually know what we may or may not do until a situation that tests us arises), but I felt like I didn’t care if I lived or died, and spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about just letting my heart stop. Could I will that to happen? There are people that I love immensely and didn’t/don’t want to leave or hurt – but I couldn’t conceive of myself in those moments as being anything other than a burden. I couldn’t see how I could live through that.

These “torture thoughts” (what I call them) got worse after I accepted the job. It was almost like to get over the fear of going into the office, I had to aggressively stop caring if I lived or died. On a bike ride after that, I rode hard and fast through blind intersections where I didn’t have the right of way. Fortunately, the approaching cars were 20-30 yards out. The second time I did it, I scared myself enough to not do it again – but still, WTF was I doing? It could have had a very different outcome. I wrote about it on Twitter because I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about it other than anonymous strangers. I didn’t want to alarm my friends or loved ones or make them feel bad about me. A few people on Twitter were very supportive and kind.

The light starts to come back.

I found out that I actually do care about my life – and want to live – when I reported for my first day of work. Well, it started the night before, although I didn’t realize it at the time. I woke up around 3 am and started crying. Not gentle crying. Huge, racking sobs that continued the rest of the night and throughout the morning. I couldn’t stop crying. As I showered, I briefly wondered if I would ever get to see my future grandchildren or not – and I totally lost it. My shift started at 1:00 pm, so I needed to leave my house a little after noon. I forced myself to stop crying about an hour before it was time to leave. I got my collection of masks together and some goggles that I wasn’t sure if they’d allow me to wear – but knowing from orientation that the clients didn’t have to wear a mask when they were face down, it seemed important to me to cover my eyes too.

I walked in and the front desk didn’t have the things they were supposed to have for me. A young woman walked me back to the small break room/supply room and someone was in there eating, maskless. Anxiety started to creep up. As I was setting up the tiny room with no air circulation, that was to be mine for the day, everything in me started screaming, GET OUT! I went to the manager and said, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. She asked if it were Covid. I said yes and started crying. I said I needed to leave and apologized again. I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door. Neither making a fool of myself nor breaking my word come easily to me. I’m not one who’s willing to let anyone down if I can help it. That’s how I knew how valuable my life is to me – and how willing I am to fight for it. I’m not willing to put myself in harm’s way – even if protecting myself may make me look like a fool.

I called my good friend and told her what had happened, told her all of it – including about my misadventures on my bike ride. She invited me to come stay with her for a while – to come heal and just be. I’ll continue looking for remote work, continue writing and promoting my books, and continue doing Oracle card/intuitive readings and energy healing for people. But what I won’t be doing is anything that I consider to be putting myself in harm’s way. I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that I want to have a future. And that I’m feeling more hopeful today than I was yesterday, before I decided to take a stand for my life and well-being.

Let the light in – and pay attention to what’s happening inside of you.

Looking back from here, I should have known that my incessant crying was a sign that it wasn’t a right decision for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever cried so hard for so long. I’ve had hard crying jags from time to time, like when I lost my Mom or when it hits me occasionally how much I’m missing her – but they usually only last a few minutes, at most an hour. To cry desperately for about 8 hours straight? Clearly, something was very wrong!

I started feeling better the minute I got back to my car – as soon as I made the decision to honor my life, I felt myself start to heal, mentally and emotionally. I talked to my friend the whole drive home and was smiling by the time I walked back into the house where I’m currently staying. This episode of my dark night of the soul has passed. I’ve seen how easy it is to get so desperate that I feel like giving up. I understand the pain of letting go of the person who I thought I was/would be, to become someone I can’t even imagine from here. I get how it feels to lose most of my material possessions – and to have to be okay with letting them go so I can be free to survive. I’ve been losing things for years. I lost my house a little over three years ago. Along with it, I lost most of the furniture and many of the possessions I’d inherited from my parents. That hurt, but I survived. I’ve moved three times since then, losing a little more each time. Now I’m about to move again – and leave almost everything behind. My life is worth more than that stuff.

I get what it feels like to feel alone – to know that, yes, theoretically people love me, but I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want to be a burden. I get it. That’s just not the reality – people love you and want to help. You need to fight for your life. You need to reach out. You need to let people know exactly how bad your struggle is so that they can be there for you. It’s tempting to think that you’ll just drag them down and you don’t want to be perceived as someone who is negative or has mental health issues or who can’t manage their own life. I get it. I felt all of that. My deepest core issue is fearing being, “more trouble than I’m worth.” It haunts me. I have to fight to feel worthy, no matter how much trouble I am (or not) and what I can contribute (or not).

I used to adamantly say that I would never let a man hit me – and I meant it one hundred percent. In fact, I wrote that in my book. I left it in there, but in my next book, I’ll talk about the time that I slipped so low, was so desperately in love and wanted his attention so badly, that I wanted him to come over even if he would hit me – even if he would shoot me. I just wanted him to care – to not be indifferent to me or ignore me! I am perfectly aware of how fucked up that sounds – how fucked up that is – and I would have never thought myself capable of thinking or feeling that way (if you know me at all, you know I’m a strong feminist who doesn’t remotely believe in allowing any man to have that kind of power over your life and/or emotions), but there I was.

I’m noticing that there’s a core root between these two moments of my life – where I was deep in a state of not valuing my life, but rather thinking of just tossing it away, out of fear and desperation and/or a lack of hope. I don’t think that I’m unusual in that at all, even though it’s something most people don’t want to talk about or even admit. I read once that most people who try to commit suicide actually want more life, not to end their life – they just don’t know how to open up to that more. Some people think that suicide is a selfish act. I think that when you’re in that state, you aren’t even capable of thinking clearly. You aren’t thinking of the people you would hurt by taking yourself away from them. It’s so hard to see past your own fear and pain and desperation. I’m really so lucky that my Angels were looking out for me and didn’t allow me to get hit by a car. I was cursing them, but they were still loving and protecting me.

I think I needed to know that. I think I needed to know that if I weren’t always positive and upbeat, that I would still be loved. That if I were broken and angry and defiant, I would still be blessed. That I don’t have to be perfect in any way in order for my life to be filled with joy and pleasure and all good things. I get to be my whole self. I get to have my doubts and my temper tantrums. I get to be unreasonable and ungrateful. I get to have my peace and my bliss and my gratitude. I get to get dragged kicking and screaming along my path, rather than cooperating and moving forward in faith and trust. It’s all good.

I don’t know when my next dark night of the soul will strike. I’m going to try to keep it at bay by listening more carefully to myself and staying grounded. I don’t know how I missed the giant waving neon sign of an 8 hour crying jag, but now I’m paying better attention. I did, in the end, honor my own feelings and walk away – but next time, I don’t want to get to that desperate point. I could have realized much sooner. And, just in case, I’m going to keep the phone number for the National Suicide Hotline available: 800-273-8255. Phone them or reach out to a friend or loved one. Please.

Let me just say that it’s okay to not be okay. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you’re thinking about suicide – or just giving up – it simply means you need help … and maybe you don’t know how to ask for it. Please just reach out. Let yourself be helped. Let yourself be valued. Let yourself be loved. This being human isn’t easy – we need each other. And someone in this world needs you – so please, stick around. Also, it does get better! It’s worth hanging around until it gets better!

Things get better. Let the beauty in.

One more thing (side note): I realize that some people need massage even though there’s a pandemic happening. There are some offices that are taking strict safety precautions – these are usually private offices, not franchises or chains. Where I’d been going to work gave you five minutes to get the client on the table, and five minutes to have them get back into their clothes and leaving, and for you to change the table to welcome the next client. FIVE minutes for all of that! That doesn’t even remotely give you time to do a good job wiping down surfaces or doing any disinfecting – you barely have time to get the new sheets on the table! If a place isn’t offering at least 15-30 minutes between clients – and if they don’t have any sort of air purifiers or even air circulation in the room, then I don’t think it’s worth the risk!

Moving Out of Spiritual Shame & Superstition

TW/CW: This post could be considered highly blasphemous and it contains quite a bit of profanity, so if either one of those would offend you, please stop reading now. Also, if you’re a huge fan of The Law of Attraction type stuff, this post might not be comfortable for you. I’m not here to offend anyone, but I am going to speak my truth in this moment.

My last post was about sexual shame. It didn’t occur to me until just now how closely connected that is to spiritual shame. They both have at their core, a feeling of not being “good enough” – and/or of being “bad.” They both hold a fear of judgment – both being judged by other people – as well as by God, the Universe, the Angels, Life – whatever you want to call that Higher Power. They are both programmed belief systems that cut off our life force and keep us living small, rather than owning, living, and being all of who we are.

I’ve long resisted sexual shame. I think it’s wrong. I’ve also long seen a connection between sexuality and spirituality. I think that they are closely related – and that sexual connection can be a decidedly spiritual experience.

It’s just coming together in my head right now how similar sexual and spiritual shame are. In both cases, we are taught that there is a “right” way to be – and that anything that deviates from that way is “wrong” and “bad.” Both strike at the core of who we are. Both shame us for having natural, normal, completely understandable feelings. Both are used to control our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They are both sometimes couched in the attitude of “it’s for your own good” – but why should anyone else tell you what is for your own good? Why wouldn’t you get to decide that for yourself? And why would you accept some arrogant, power-hungry man being a mediary between you and God/Goddess/your own experience of the Infinite?

I’ve already talked about sex – it’s a topic I never get tired of, but right now, I want to talk about spirituality. I want to talk briefly about the abuse of religion and a little more about the damage of spiritual superstitions that I have believed in (at least, how I feel these things have been damaging for me personally – mileage may vary and the experience/s are different for everyone – this is my opinion/experience).

I grew up in a Baptist church that was ALL about shame. I learned that I was a “worthless sinner.” (Talk about psychological/emotional abuse!) From grades 2-8, I went to the school this Baptist church founded and ran. At age 11, I learned at a mandated church/school retreat that all sensual pleasure was bad/wrong. Even kissing was a sin because it led to “other things.” I went home from that retreat and broke up with my boyfriend of one year – because we’d been kissing and a little more. I was so ashamed and mired in this ridiculous quest to be “virtuous.” At age 12, after a revival, at the visiting preacher’s suggestion, I burned all of my John Denver records in the oven – because secular music was a sin. <eye roll>

I don’t remember how old I was, but I remember that jackass pastor talking in a sermon about my dad. He was talking about this wealthy man (and gave more details, so it was clearly about my dad), who was a good person, but who was still going to hell because he hadn’t accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior. When I think back on the cruelty, the smallness, and the hypocrisy in that church – it disgusts me beyond words. Fortunately, it wasn’t long after that bullshit that my dad put his foot down and pulled us kids out of that hellhole school. Unfortunately, a lot of psychological damage had already been done. It took years to pull out of that warped thinking. Sometimes I wonder if it doesn’t remain inside of me as core issues that have contributed relentlessly in my life to over-thinking, over-giving, people-pleasing, and other codependent-type feelings and behaviors.

I happily left religion behind. I was angry about it for many years. I’m still repulsed by a lot of the manipulations and trangressions of religion/s. I mean, many of the worst atrocities on earth have been committed in the name of God (whatever “God” is called) and with the full support of the church/es. Just look nowadays at the number of churches that support the embodied evil that is Trump. How anyone can not see that is beyond me.

God, by any name – a spiritual connection – is not only found in churches.

I don’t believe in a man-made, vengeful “God” – nor do I believe that the “Holy Bible” is any more inspired by God (whatever your concept of that Be-ing may be) than any other book ever written. The reality is that it was written by men who were trying to secure power. I have no fear of the Universe for saying that – only fear of men who are so transfixed by their beliefs that they value their “religious ideals” (i.e. power) over the sacredness of the human beings right in front of them. Religion is used as a weapon at least equally as it is used as a solace or guide – and there are SO many fake, completely unqualified, hypocritical “men and women of God.” It disgusts me. Most of all, these tele-evangelists – who spew hatred and venom, while raking in the dough, living lives of ostentatious luxury, while allowing children down the street to go hungry. Jesus had feelings about that too, if memory serves.

Which brings me to spirituality. I do believe there is some sort of Higher Power or organizing principle to the Universe. I do believe in guidance from Angels and Spirit Guides and other non-physical beings that help us along our paths. There are endless things I don’t know, but I find it interesting to explore and discover. I feel like I’ve fallen into some spiritual traps that have caused me to live with some superstitions and a great deal of fear – which I’m finally resisting. I mean, I wrote years ago about some of the problems I saw in works such as The Secret and The Law of Attraction – however, I kept being influenced (and honestly, still am) by some of the superstitions engendered in these sort of writings/philosophies.

For example, for many years, I have been quite afraid to have a negative thought – and, God forbid, say a negative thing – because our thoughts and words have power. Not only that, but our feelings have even more power! According to many of the tropes I’ve read and videos I’ve watched, if you combine the thoughts with a strong rush of sustained good feelings, you will absolutely manifest anything. If that were the actual case, I’d be happily married, a best-selling author, living in a secluded, beautiful cabin in the woods in the mountains by a lake, making love with my husband every day. I have visualized and held my visions, hopes, and dreams with all of the excitement, joy, and gratitude that I could possibly muster – for years – and you know what? It is all bullshit. I’m not even dating, much less happily married. I’ve sold a grand total of 13 books. I’ve been living the past few years in small rented rooms of friends’ homes, and the only sex I have is with myself. I think I’ll indulge myself at this point in a few negative thoughts.

Not that I haven’t had wonderful blessings and many happy moments in my life. Not that I’m not grateful for my life. I am. But this manifestation bullshit – and all of the superstition around it – has seriously caused me more stress and done me more harm than good. Of course, proponents of these thought systems will say that I was just doing it wrong. How convenient for them – to sell everyone on crap – and when it clearly doesn’t work, just say they’re not doing it right! It would be funny if it weren’t so damaging. And so many people can clearly see it isn’t working, but hold onto the hope that it’s about to work. It’s very similar to dieting, isn’t it? Where it clearly fails 98% of the time, but the diet industry has everyone so fucking brainwashed that people believe they can lose weight and keep it off and be “healthy.” (That body-hating insanity is a whole other post). In this case, people keep obsessively thinking positively, and following these spiritual principles in the hope that they will one day hit the winning lottery ticket of actually manifesting their dreams. They continue to struggle, and blame themselves for not doing it right. Honey, maybe it’s just that like diets, all of this positive-thinking/spiritually manifesting stuff doesn’t actually work?

Now, I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to stay positive. Nor to visualize what you want to create in your life. Those are fine things if you want to do that. What I object to is the mandate that you must do those things and produce results – or you are judged as failing at spirituality, failing at living a “good” life, failing to be an inspiration to others. One, you can’t fail at spirituality. You have your own relationship with your Self and Spirit – and that’s your business. Two, the definition of “good” is so varied that nobody gets to define that for you – and besides, life isn’t always good. It doesn’t mean you don’t value life anyway – even when it totally sucks. We should be able to say when life sucks or is painful without fear that because of our speaking what is true for us in the moment, we will be sucked into a downward spiral of more pain and suckiness – or that we’ll be judged for being “negative.” NO! Third, it is not our job to be an inspiration to others. I mean, we may have moments where that happens, but that should just come as a result of our living in integrity with our Selves and our own needs – not as a premeditated mandate of how we talk, look, and act. If we are inspiring others by wearing a false mask, then our inspiration is false. I’d rather be inspired to be authentic.

Look, as I’ve said before, I am a fan of “love and light.” I’m also a fan of, “you can fuck all the way off.” I get to hold both within me. I get to hold anything I want within me. I get to accept ALL of me – the good, the bad, and the ugly – without being punished or penalized for it. I’ve been a “good girl.” I’ve been “positive.” I’ve done the “right” things – and it’s gotten me fucking nowhere. Now, the superstition kicks in and says, “you know, it could have been much worse – at least your positivity kept it from being worse” – and also, “you should be grateful – if you aren’t appropriately grateful, things could get much worse for you.” You know what? (Sorry for the coming profanity, but) Fuck. That. Shit.

No, seriously. I’m so at the end of my rope with thinking that I have to be careful about what I think and feel and say and do. I’m tired of trying to tow the line of being a “good,” compliant, conforming person in order to get the rewards that never, in actuality, come. Fuck. That. Shit. I’ll be a good person on my own terms – what I decide is good based not on superstitions or groveling for rewards, but on what is authentic in my heart and soul and life. I know the compassion and the kindness and the love that come out of me authentically and naturally. I know the goodness in me that isn’t relying on any fear of “God” or dancing around for the Universe’s perverse and whimsical pleasure. I refuse to live in fear of accidentally creating something I didn’t want. I refuse to keep spiritually bypassing the reality of my existence.

It’s a weird place for me to be in right now, because I’ve spent decades trying to feel some level of control over my life by referring to things like Louise Hay’s spiritual explanations for the things that go wrong in our bodies and lives – and the affirmations that can heal them. Saying affirmations gave me great comfort when I had cancer – they gave me hope. As did prayers – to whatever benevolent Force/s may be out there. Maybe hope helped to heal me – but maybe it was just the doctor cutting out the cancer. Maybe the outcome would have been just the same whether I’d faithfully repeated affirmations and tried so hard to have a “positive, healing vibe” or not. Maybe I, in fact, have zero control over my life – other than the decisions I make in each moment – and my life is going to turn out how it’s going to turn out, regardless of what I say, think, or feel. I’m sitting with that possibility. I’ll be honest – I’m not loving the lack of control that leaves me feeling, but any sense of control I ever felt was always an illusion anyway, wasn’t it?

I’ve generously attributed all of the horrible things that have happened in my life to being “lessons that I was meant to learn” so that I could become the person that I am. Maybe that’s true, but maybe having my first baby be born early and only live 10 hours was just a cruel twist of fate. Maybe the fact that the very next year, doctors developed technologies that saved tiny babies like mine, was just twisting the knife. Maybe all of the other shit that’s happened since is just shit that happens because life isn’t fair. Life is capricious. It’s beautiful and horrible and … everything. We tend to have this expectation that life should be all good – and I’m still super pissed that life isn’t remotely fair! – but these expectations, perhaps, don’t serve us. I’ve been so afraid of something bad happening if I ever stopped being vigilant about my attitude and my homages to the gods (in various forms) that I’ve been living in a cage of fear and anxiety. I. Can’t. Do. That. Anymore.

I reserve the right to have a fucking bad attitude and to stomp around like an angry toddler when I feel like it – without having the Universe come and thump me for it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the Universe hasn’t even been paying any attention at all to any of my thoughts or feelings, “good” or “bad.” I’m starting to think that the Universe is mostly indifferent to my thoughts and feelings. Definitely indifferent to the plans I have for my life. This is ancient wisdom: “You make plans, God laughs.” It’s kind of cruel, in my opinion – but then again, at times, so is life.

I think that a lot of times, people use some forms of spirituality/spiritual beliefs, in order to not take responsibility for what’s happening on the planet. Like, justifying horrible things happening to people by believing that they must have somehow agreed to those conditions or that “this is what they signed on for in this life.” The Secret and The Law of Attraction are notorious for this kind of thinking. I call bullshit. Nobody signed up to be victims of war or famine or violence. We don’t get to comfort ourselves by thinking it couldn’t happen to us because we are thinking/feeling correctly – nor that we have no obligation to try to stop these atrocities. Where is our moral courage? We’ve been taught hate in too many of our churches and complacency in too many of our spiritual practices.

Yeah, there is not much/nothing I can personally do to stop the violence around this world, to stop abuses of power, to stop hunger, etc. But I can at least offer the courtesy of having compassion and empathy rather than dismissing it with a pat, “they must have attracted that or agreed to that in their lives,” thus absolving myself of my own humanity. Maybe we could see violence against anyone as the horror that it is. Maybe we could stop allowing abuses of power – and loudly and angrily call them out – and imprison some of these traitorous and corrupt motherfuckers. Maybe we could stop accepting a system where 1% of the people control so much money and resources while millions struggle and go hungry. Maybe we could acknowledge the violence in that. Maybe we could work toward a justice system that actually reflects justice and honorable values, rather than accepting the farce we have now. Maybe we could stop being such fucking sheeple, living in fear of both God and man – and of our own thoughts and feelings.

I’m saying this now because I am at the end of my rope. I am feeling angry and disillusioned. I’m also feeling free – and I like this sense of freedom and defiance. I’m also tired of living in fear. I’m planning to do like I’ve always done – to make the best choices possible for my life in each moment. I’m also embracing my “dark side” like I’ve never done before. I’m letting it all flow – my anger, my joy, my rage, my peace, my pleasure, my bitterness, my wild love, my despair. All of it. Everything. No more blocking feelings. No more moderating my responses with the deadly masks of politeness and civility – and the insidious social mandate of being positive. In this moment, I just need to be fucking real. A human being. A spiritual being, yes – but thick in this human experience. My Spirit is calling (has been calling) for me to be more authentic and less afraid.

Just like I needed to delete many of the teachings of the church I grew up in, I need to delete and detox from many of the “spiritual” belief systems that I turned to in order to make sense of life. They are just as harmful and false as the religion I long ago rejected. I don’t know what’s next on my spiritual journey, but it starts here with letting go of shame and superstitions.

The shame I’m referring to stems from not living up to what I have long considered to be the mandate of being a spiritual example – loving, positive, upbeat, uplifting, inspiring, nurturing. All of this fucking positive thinking training has left me feeling like a failure, both as a human and as a spiritual being, if I’m not constantly reflecting those higher values that have been labeled good/worthy. It’s very similar to how I felt as a child when the Baptist school told us that everything we did in our lives was a reflection on the school, and on God/Jesus – so don’t ever do anything that would reflect poorly. There was a whole list of ridiculous rules to follow in order to live in accordance with “God’s will.” Many of them reflected an appalling level of “moral” judgment and pettiness and hate.

I rejected the church, and I reject the mandate of always being positive and inspiring. I want to be whole. As Carl Jung said, “I’d rather be whole than good.” I also reject the concept that deep down inside, everyone is love. That’s simply, demonstrably, not true. There are clearly evil people in the world. We are all one? Maybe in the great, cosmic ocean of reality, yeah … but we are not all even remotely the same. Are we all connected? Who knows? We all share the same planet, but we do not all share the same experiences. We share some similar experiences and many vastly different experiences. We are all unique … and many of us go through very common stages, emotions, etc. Life is truly a mystery. I’m tired of trying to control it – or even understand it. I’m entering a new stage of surrender and seeing what unfolds. Of course, I hope it’s good – and I have no expectations – because I know damn well that Life doesn’t care about my expectations.

You can still enjoy the beauty of life while acknowledging the struggles, challenges, and negativity of life.

Growing up, the Tasmanian Devil was always my favorite. That’s how I feel now. That’s how I see myself in my mind – sort of this whirling dervish, spinning furiously around, creating space. I just need some space – away from thoughts and feelings and expectations of who I should be and how I should think, talk, feel, and act. I want to stomp around a bit. I want to stand strong in all of who I am. I want some silence in my mind. There’s a whole lot of things that I want in my life. I’m no longer relying on positive thinking, attracting, manifesting, or “allowing” – coupled with my hard work – to get them. They’ll happen or they won’t – but it won’t be because I was or wasn’t good enough or worthy enough or spiritual enough. It will be because that’s life. And shit happens. And good happens. And life happens.

For many of us, religion and/or spirituality help us to navigate this life. They help us to hang on, to have hope, to keep going. For many of us, alcohol or drugs or food or sex is what helps us make it to the next day. Sometimes I rely heavily on escaping into romance novels or adventurous movies. I’m not trying to take away anything that helps anyone. Whatever gets you through, hang onto that. Sometimes what gets us through changes over time. Right now, some of what gets me through is shifting under my feet and I feel a sense of groundlessness. Paradoxically, I also feel more grounded in my life than I ever have. I wish you health/healing, prosperity, peace, love, and every happiness. That isn’t a magic wand and it isn’t a guarantee. It’s just a wish, from my very human heart to yours. Peace be with you.

Moving Out of Sexual Shame

I woke up this morning thinking about how female sexuality is consistently shamed or exploited (yes, I think about these issues night and day). Girls and women generally aren’t allowed to enjoy or embrace our sexual power, pleasure, and/or play. Female sexuality is commodified and used to sell everything from toothpaste to cars to vacations, but it isn’t allowed to freely and openly stand on its own. Real life versus media life is such a bizarre dichotomy we all (mostly) put up with or endure. Fairly strong social expectations and strictures keep most of us “in our place.”

For many, even any of the words that point toward being a sexual being feel shaming and threatening. Even the word “sexuality” used openly, publicly, makes many people feel a little edgy or nervous, self-conscious, or even like running away. Why are these words so charged? Why is such a normal, healthy, beautiful part of our lives heaped with so much secrecy, hiding, and shame? Honestly, why is it okay to show violence in all of its gory detail, but showing intimate pleasure gets an X-rating and general social disapproval? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Our concept of obscenity is itself obscene, not to mention immensely harmful.

One day, years ago, my friend and I were commenting back and forth on Facebook (so basically having a public conversation) about National Masturbation Month. I don’t remember what we were saying, but I was laughing out loud so hard and frequently that my (then) husband came to find out what was so funny. When I read the conversation out loud to him, he blanched, absolutely horrified. “But our friends will see that,” he whined aghast, demanding that I delete it all immediately. The fun and hilarity and unbounded joy came to a sudden stop as buckets of shame were thrown on our pleasure fire.

One of the things I cherish the most about being single is having the freedom to live my life on my own terms – to be able to say what I want to say without censoring myself for what might make a partner feel embarrassed or ashamed, and to make my own choices without someone else’s undue influence/judgment on how I get to spend my time and/or create my life. Yes, I have my own internal censor that I have to deal with, but that’s something I can work on and make my own choices about. And I mean, yeah, I’m sure other people judge me, but it’s not the same as someone you’re living with and “in love” with judging you, pulling their “love” away – and besides, almost half of this country voted for Trump, so if I were hard-pressed before to care about what other people think, now it’s come down to how could I possibly give a shit what they think? Seriously.

You want to talk about obscene? Let’s talk about this country pulling babies and little children out of their parents’ arms – kidnapping them with no way/intention of reuniting these little ones with their families. It is incomprehensible in the magnitude of its cruelty and depravity. There is seemingly no end to the atrocities committed by this current administration. Hundreds of thousands of people dead, millions of people infected, hatred, racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia all fomented – and we go on living our lives as if our country weren’t (literally) on fire. Before I digress further down this rabbit hole, allow me to return to the topic at hand.

Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about sexual power. Let’s talk about sexual pleasure. Let’s talk about pleasure in general. Let’s talk about new ways of being – in our sexuality, in our relationships, in the choices we are able to make in our lives. Let’s talk about how to create safe space for everyone to live their authentic, joyful, happy lives. Let’s talk about safe space for healing, for personal and/or spiritual growth, and for honoring ourselves and the pain and shame we have all experienced. Let’s talk about respect for all bodies, for diversity, for our own uniqueness. Let’s talk about how society (government, churches, schools, media, etc.) tries to control us through shame and ignorance – and how we are complicit accomplices in accepting and spreading shame, particularly sexual shame.

Not me? Have you ever called another woman a slut or some other derogatory name for how she dressed or behaved? You. Have you ever gossiped about the relationship choices someone else made? You. Have you ever criticized another woman’s body (even if just in your own mind)? You. Have you ever criticized your own body? Hidden parts of you that you were taught to believe were embarrassing? Body parts, thoughts, feelings, desires, pleasures? How about anger, disappointment, depression, sadness, or anything that made you feel at all vulnerable and/or imperfect? We are all complicit in this stranglehold that limits our own life force – not because we necessarily want it or choose it, but because we allow it.

Stepping out of shame is literally a step toward healing ourselves and the world. Consciously thinking and talking with others about how our values are formed, about what it true and what is just harmful social programming, is essential toward not only our own healing, but also healing many of the social ills which plague us today. Actually, which have plagued us for many centuries as humanity has endured “dominator” political and religious systems (as Riane Eisler calls them). We desperately need to move toward partnership systems, where people are respected, valued, and embraced rather than controlled, shamed, and discarded. By the way, Eisler’s book Sacred Pleasure is a must-read. This woman is beyond brilliant. She has a new book out called Nurturing Our Humanity. I can’t wait to read it!

I desperately want women to realize that sexual shame, body shame, lifestyle choice shame – all of the shame that society tries so hard to serve us, to keep us buried in – is how they take our power away. It is time – and it is necessary – for us to refuse shame and to take our power back. There is actually nothing shameful, embarrassing, or obscene in sexuality or in our natural bodies and desires. Those feelings have been taught to us – we can unlearn them and teach ourselves and each other something better, something more honoring and sacred.

I continue this conversation in my book, The Sexuality Reclamation Project for Women. It contains some of my thoughts on a variety of related topics. It’s just the beginning of the conversation. I’m not asking anyone to agree with my viewpoints or perspectives. I’m simply asking you to deeply consider what is true for you. If there were no fear or shame, who would you be, how would you feel/act, what choices would you make? If you were safe, how would you express yourself? What relationship/s would you have? What relationship/s would you end? If you were centered in your own power, how would your life look? There is a companion workbook that invites you to consider questions like this and more. There is a journal that invites you to assess your current relationship/s. Are there red flags? Are they about you, the other person, or the relationship dynamics? What do you want to do about them?

Let’s think about these things and keep these important conversations going! Let’s make it safe for each other to allow our authentic selves to rise and be expressed. It is essential to creating a better world and to healing ourselves and the planet. Feel free to comment below.

It’s Not All “Love and Light”

This spiritual/human journey isn’t all joy, happiness, faith, and miracles. It isn’t all positivity and “manifesting” every good thing you dream of. It is not all peace and zen, “love and light.” It certainly isn’t all “The Secret” or “The Law of Attraction” and holding positive feelings and intentions. Have you noticed? I’m trying hard to not use profanity here, but I want to acknowledge in the most clear and real way possible, that sometimes it just f-ing sucks!

The spiritual/human journey is more like an amusement park. There’s the “Sit and Spin” where you seem to be going around in meaningless, dizzying circles. There’s the roller coaster, where you have your ups and downs, sometimes violently jerking you around – just when you think you’re riding high, you go plunging terrifyingly toward the ground. Something inside of you trusts that you won’t actually hit the ground, but there are still moments where you feel your heart in your throat and an adrenaline rush that can floor you.

There are the funhouse mirrors where you and everyone and everything look distorted and you can’t quite get your bearings or your focus. It’s not fun when your perspective feels like it’s slipped and you feel completely disoriented. There’s the spiral ride, where you keep spiraling up, going through the same issues at increasingly high levels. There’s the drop tower where you go all the way up … you’re riding high, peacefully enjoying the view … then the bottom falls out and you go plunging down and there’s nothing you can do but hang on and hope/pray you survive.

There’s the carnival food that seems fun, but leaves you feeling queasy. You get the picture – digesting the experiences of life doesn’t always feel good, no matter how much we meditate or pray or try to bypass our experiences with spiritual principles. Sometimes human life is just painful, no matter what we try to do to alleviate that pain – no matter what crystals we hold, or Tarot/Oracle cards we pull, or spiritual circles we have supporting us. Sometimes we simply have to face the “dark night of the Soul” – and just be in it without any defenses or comfort. Sometimes it’s a series of small/medium challenges, the cumulative effect of which can feel overbearing, causing us to feel like we can’t catch a break and things will never get better.

And yes, there is always something to be grateful for. And yes, sometimes gratitude can pull us out of these dark places. Sometimes, though, it feels like we’re climbing up a slippery slide – and there’s never a place to rest. If we stop carefully hanging on, we’ll slide right back down into the mess … and it’s exhausting always trying to hang on. Do you know that feeling? You just want to be able to find some stable ground where you can lie down and rest? Just to catch your breath. Just to have some peace and quiet – to get off the rides for a minute, to stop feeling like you have to struggle and fight all of the time. You know that feeling?

I did this guided gratitude meditation the other day – and when I pressed the “gratitude button” deep in my “heart sanctuary,” I was surprised at the flood of images that came to me. It wasn’t all love and light. It wasn’t just the happy moments and my favorite people. There were scenes of a whole spectrum of feelings, from joy to pleasure to grief to fear to love. There were people I love, yes, but also people who have harmed me, betrayed me, and whom I thought I had shut out of my heart. But right there in my heart space, in my gratitude space, were all of the people and experiences that had shaped my life (in what I would call “good” and “bad” ways) – and there was an ineffable sense of peace and love about it all. It was a beautiful experience.

I am not miraculously healed from my feelings about the people and things that have caused me pain. I have gained some insight and been able to see the beauty of it all, to connect with a river of peace and knowing deep inside of me. I am able to bring some more gentleness and compassion back with me to apply into my life. I can intellectually understand that everything has its own beauty and purpose and that everything works out in Divine Right Order and Timing. That doesn’t necessarily translate into me feeling any better about my past or current struggles, pain, and disappointment. It doesn’t exactly alleviate my fears or allay the desperate urges that wash over me to just give up, just let go. Sometimes all I can do is keep breathing and wait for the feelings to pass. That doesn’t, by the way, mean that I’m “failing” at spirituality. If you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re normal. And human.

I love “love and light,” don’t get me wrong. I find great comfort and pleasure in spiritual connection, in meditation, in various forms of inspiration. I enjoy communing with my Angels and Spirit Guides. I treasure my crystals and candles, Oracle cards and essential oils. Being out in Nature fills me. Sometimes I am filled to overflowing with the gratitude of just Be-ing. Sometimes my heart feels so expansive in love of life. Yes, yes, yes (!!!) to all of that! YES! In this moment, I am looking out my window at a beautiful sky filled with puffy white clouds that feel joyous and uplifting and peaceful to me. When I’m done writing, I’m just going to sit watching the clouds for a little while, feeling immersed in the serenity that provides for me. AND …

The view out of my window this morning.

Even though I’m feeling this moment of wonder, peace, and tranquility – this sense of “All is well with my Soul” – I’m also still feeling some angst, agitation, and a despair that I can’t even put into words. I’m feeling hopeful, excited, guided and protected – and also sad, tired, and very alone. Even as I say that, I have an awareness that I’m not alone – that I have circles of friends and loved ones connected by love – and a whole team of Angels and Guides and my Soul Council, who love me unconditionally. I know that love. I feel that love. And, I still have plenty of moments where I feel disconnected, alone and separate.

I think that for many, there’s an expectation of all being “love and light” – the belief system that if we just visualize and feel and believe in the “right” ways – if we are just “good enough” at our spiritual practices, then we will “manifest” only/all good things in our lives. And that, my friends, is dangerous bull-hockey. There isn’t light without the dark. There isn’t happiness without sadness. And there are no guarantees in this life. Sometimes Life has lessons for us that we need to learn – and that we cannot wave a magic wand and dismiss ourselves from that life lesson, no matter how ardently we try. Sometimes no matter how much good we do in the world, Life still knocks us down. I suppose there’s a reason for that, a purpose. It still feels like hell, though, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we do everything “right” – and we still can’t manifest a Soul Mate or a job to save our lives (welcome to my current life). It can be super-frustrating. We can rail against God/Goddess/The Universe/Life (whatever you want to call the Higher Power/organizing Force of the Universe). We can scream into the abyss. We can angrily demand a divorce from our Angels, who clearly aren’t doing their job (!!!). None of this makes a difference. Life still goes on, indifferent to our tumult of emotions and existential crises. Our Angels keep loving us and looking out for us, no matter our temper tantrums and lack of appreciation.

We have moments of spiritual awareness and connection. We have moments of bliss and joy. We have times where we notice signs and synchronicities and feel guided and held. And we have times where we feel alone and abandoned, disillusioned and in despair. It’s ALL part of the spiritual/human journey. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing it “wrong.” Your journey is your journey. It will have its ups and downs. Give yourself lots of grace and compassion. This living isn’t easy! Ask for help when you need it. Be willing to reach out, to give and to receive. Notice that last part – and to receive. So many people think that the spiritual journey is just about giving – that to be “good” we have to sacrifice our selves. NO. It’s about balance. It’s about honoring our selves and loving our selves and each other the best we can in each moment (and sometimes our best totally sucks! – it’s okay!). Sometimes life is joyous and sometimes it’s f-ing hard. Yes, sometimes it is love and light. But sometimes it’s shadow and darkness and despair. Just hang on, hang in there the best you can. The wheel is always turning. You can’t see from here what new joys await ahead.

Answering The Call Of Spirit

I’ve got a lot going on right now! I’ve just published my book series, I’ve been continuing work on my spiritual development (a lifelong journey, of course) with a fantastic metaphysical/spiritual group called Awkwardly Zen, and now I’m being guided by my Soul Council to do more intuitive readings!

To that end, I am offering a great special during this holiday season!

If you read my blog, you know that I have intuitive and healing gifts that I’ve been working with for over 25 years. I love helping people and I am happy to share these gifts with you! From this Friday (11/27/2020) through Christmas Day (Advent Season!), I am offering a half hour reading/healing on Zoom for just $20 (that’s a $45 savings!).

To book an appointment with me, please email me at psychickath@gmail.com. Include your name, phone number, and 2-3 days/times that would be best for you. (Example: Monday or Thursday, 12/7 or 10, from 3-5 pm). I’ll get back to you within 24 hours with an appointment time.

I try to keep my hours between 10 am and 5 pm (MT), but if you need evenings, that is okay too. We’ll figure it out! I’ll be doing 3 readings a day every day Friday through Christmas day, first come, first served, so please contact me soon!
To see what is available, check out my website: https://psychickathsenergyhealingreadings.com/.

Also! If $20 is a stretch right now, but you would like a reading – please let me know! I’m happy to do it for free while appointments are available! I understand – I am right there with you! I’m happy to help in any way I can!

What do you need to know? What messages are waiting for you? Book an appointment with me and find out!

Following My Soul’s Calling

I have just published a 3 book series that will be growing in time. It is called The Sexuality Reclamation Project for Women – and as I look back upon my life, I can see that everything in my life has been leading me to this work. There is an intricate web of people, places, situations, and circumstances that have all brought me to this point: my soul’s calling.

I originally wrote the initial book 20 years ago when I was in Energy Healing school, shortly after my first divorce. I was supposed to be writing a thesis and I was so inspired with what I was writing that it got way out of control and turned into a book.

I was afraid to even try to publish it at the time, since I had a young child at home and the book was about sexuality – and that combination scared me, particularly since some of my ideas/philosophies are unconventional, and custody issues seemed potentially at risk – a risk I was not willing to take. I did, bravely, write a workshop based on the book and presented it at a NAAFA convention. After that, I put the book in my closet (literally and figuratively) and there it sat until the pandemic.

A few weeks ago, I pulled out the workshop notes – and as I flipped through them, I thought, OMG!!! This would have helped me SOOOO much over these past 20 years if I’d just remembered these concepts and listened to my own advice! How could I have forgotten all of this?!?

I pulled out the book and reading through, decided to edit it and update it a little (although most of it is still totally relevant to today). I took the workshop notes and wrote a workbook to go along with the book, so that people could write their own thoughts and do their own explorations. (The workbook can stand on its own – and if you only get one, get that one!)

I’ve had many signs and amazing synchronicities along the way that this is the right path for me. Honestly, I’ve always known this was my path and my purpose – it’s just taken until now for me to be ready to fully step into it. I feel like my whole life has led straight to this moment – and I’m really excited to share this with the world and keep moving forward on this path.

These books are for you if you:
*have ever felt shame about your body and/or your sexuality
*have ever struggled with body image issues
*have ever felt “wronged” for your relationship and/or your relationship choices and/or your sexuality
*have ever sought intimacy in ways that were damaging and painful to yourself and/or others
*have ever felt unworthy of love, sex, intimacy, respect, consideration, etc.
*have ever struggled with boundaries – or felt like you lost your Self when you were in a relationship
*have ever been confused about what you want in life, love, sex, and/or relationship/s
*have lost connection with your own voice, your power, your inner spirit – and are ready to reclaim all of who you are – personally, sexually, and in relationship
*want to live your life more at choice and able to be more authentically you

My books don’t give you answers – because your own answers are within you. They tell stories, share ideas, feelings, and questions – and ask you to look at and consider what is true for you. My goal is to create safe space so that you feel empowered and able to step more fully into your own authenticity and truth. I want you to celebrate your Self and create your own happy, fulfilling life! What is your soul calling for you?

The books are available now both on Kindle or in paperback. I recommend paperback for the workbook so that you can write directly into it – it’s definitely interactive! If this interests you, please check it out – and share it with any women you know who might benefit from this!

These past few months, I’d been lamenting being unable to find a job. All of those closed doors make sense now – they gave me the time to do this. I’m now grateful for this opportunity to follow my soul’s path. It feels amazing how many things have lined up since I committed to this in the past few weeks. They say that when you make a choice, the Universe steps up to help you along your way. I have certainly felt that! I’m feeling in the Divine Flow right now, looking forward to seeing where my path will lead. I hope maybe my work will help you to find your path, your truth, your best life.

Please share and feel free to contact me in the comments below or via the contact page on my website.

When the Universe is Talking to You … Are You Listening?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not always listening. I’m busy, I’m distracted, I’m dealing with things. I forget to tune in, to turn to Guidance. I feel abandoned and like I have to handle everything on my own. I worry what will become of me and my life. Or – in good times – I feel like I’ve got things figured out and have this handled, don’t need any help. Yeah, that never lasts for very long. LOL There’s always some sort of reminder to pay attention and to reconnect with the Divine.

Sometimes those reminders are quiet, gentle, friendly nudges – easy to overlook. Hey, remember Me? Hey, notice this! When I fail to notice, the reminders get louder. Sometimes the reminders get so loud that I find myself in huge life crises, with no choice but to turn to the Divine. For example, when I fell and broke both of my arms, the Universe had my complete attention – and I received some very important messages and insights into my life and the people in my life. I’d rather have learned those lessons in an easier way, but I wasn’t allowing myself to see what was, in hindsight, pretty obvious – so the Universe had to get louder and take more drastic action to get my full attention.

Speaking of obvious, the Universe gave me a huge sign this week – a gentle reminder to pay attention, to stay tuned in to Guidance and Spirit. I do frequently ask the Universe to teach me easy – I don’t want any more hard lessons. This communication was clear – both a wake up call for me, and a welcome reassurance that my life is Divinely guided. Given the precarious life position in which I find myself currently, I am most grateful for this message.

On October 15th of this year, 2020, I accidentally wrote in my gratitude journal “10/15/15.” I laughed at myself and fixed it. Whoa! What was I thinking? When I made the very same mistake in my regular journal, I thought to myself, I need to look at my journal from that date and see what I wrote. Of course, me being me, it took me several days to get to it. I finally got to it yesterday afternoon (10/20/2020). It was an unusually short journal entry that day. This is what it said:

I just wanted to jot down a story from today that probably has a lesson for me. I was at Kroger’s and there was a display that had cucumbers and bell peppers. I could see the price of the cucumbers right there on the front of the display, but I looked everywhere for the price of the peppers – and I couldn’t see it. I stood there, debating what to do – I thought about seeking out a produce person and asking them. I was feeling pretty ticked that they hadn’t posted the price – it seems like they do that fairly often. And as I stood there and fumed – I finally saw the giant sign that I was standing right next to that said the peppers were 4 for $5. The answer was written on a big sign that was right next to me! I’d somehow thought that was another sign for the cucumbers – I think it was the same price. But it makes me wonder – what answer is right in front of me if I were only paying attention? What is so obvious that I’m not seeing? And how can I shift my awareness to see it?

Point taken, I shared the story with a Meetup group last night where we were sharing Tarot and Oracle card readings. But that’s not where the story ends. After the Meetup group, I watched Netflix for a couple of hours on my computer while I scrolled through Twitter on my phone. I was getting tired, so I clicked out of Netflix. My Facebook screen came on and I saw I had some notifications, so I clicked on those … and then I did something that didn’t make sense because I was tired and about to go to bed, definitely had no intention of scrolling through FB – I clicked on “home.”

What I saw at the top of the screen was a FB memory of that very same story from five years ago – complete with a picture that I hadn’t remembered taking. I was a little stunned – in a good way. Now, this FB memory didn’t come up five years from the date of that story – it came up four days later than that, on the same day that I’d finally remembered to look up my journal on that date, found the story, and told my friends about it. What are the chances – from my “accidentally” writing the wrong date (twice! – cause I didn’t get the message the first time) to receiving the message to look at that date to see this story – and then having it come up again like this on FB? I LOVE synchronicity! Thank you, Universe!

The sign in question – honestly, how could I possibly have not seen that?

So now the question is: What does it mean? Are there big, obvious signs in my life that I’m not seeing? Am I failing to pay attention? Am I failing to notice the Guidance that is right there, totally available to me? I’m definitely tuning in because I don’t want the messages to need to get louder. I want to learn as gently, easily, and pain-free as possible! What do I need to know?

I asked this question of my Angels and Guides last night as I went to bed. I asked for a dream or a direct knowing that I would remember when I woke up. Dear Angels and Guides, please talk to me in my dreams tonight. Please show me clearly – tell me what I need to know. Tell me what I’m missing. And help me remember when I wake up. Don’t be ambiguous about it, don’t make me figure it out. Don’t make me feel like an idiot because I’m not seeing the giant sign that’s right next to me. Okay? Please? I wanted a clear message, not symbols that I would have to figure out.

The clear impression and words that I woke up with this morning are that part of it is that the Universe is just letting me know: You are being guided. Stop being afraid. But that’s not all. Here is the rest: You can’t miss what you are meant to see. You can’t miss what you are meant to know. In the right time, in the right way, in the right place – everything you need comes to you. Every message, every sign, every piece of information that you need to move forward – it all comes to you. Your life is Divinely guided. It’s not going to pass you by – you’re not going to miss it. Relax a minute. Relax and just trust that everything you need to know, you will know when you need to know it. Okay?

It’s not going to pass you by – you’re not going to miss it. And if you think back to that story, the piece of that story that you didn’t focus on – is that you did see the sign. Even before you asked for help (thankfully before you asked for help and made a fool of yourself, LOL) – you did see the sign. You didn’t miss it. You missed it for a little bit, but then you saw it and you were there, present with it. And as so, there have been a lot of lessons in your life, Honey, Sweetie – that you have missed them, missed them, missed them – until you clearly saw them – and that’s how life works – is that we don’t clearly see some of the steps until we’re right there and it’s the right time and our vision opens – and then we clearly see what we need to see.

Or like, look at yourself in relationships – you’ve screwed up, you’ve screwed up, you’ve screwed up. Okay? You’ve chosen the wrong men over and over, you’ve let yourself be mistreated, you’ve devalued yourself – all of these signs you didn’t get until – well, you got little pieces along the way, but the whole big, glaring sign? You’re finally putting it together. Hopefully. And, the takeaway remains – that what you need to know does come to you. What you do need to know, you will see. You may feel like you’re struggling as you’re looking for the answers, but even though you struggle for a little bit, the answers are inside of you already. They’re right there already – and when you let yourself see them, you see them. So, let yourself ask, what am I not seeing right now – or what am I resisting seeing right now? And just sit with it or sleep on it and let it come to you.

I am very grateful for these messages. I think that a lot of it comes down to presence – being fully present in the moment, not distracted by the past or future. I’m even more resolved to treat each moment of the day as a living meditation – as much as I possibly can, to hold an awareness of my spiritual connection in this life. I’m inspired to check in more frequently with my Angels and Guides and intuition. Another synchronicity – as I’m writing, an email notification from Pinterest flashes across the top of my screen that says “Angels, Doreen Virtue and more ideas you’ve been looking for” – and I notice that at the exact time I’m affirming my awareness of my Angels – indeed as I am literally writing the word “Angels”, I get this confirming message. Notice, notice, notice. And, yes, I will be pulling out my Doreen Virtue Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards to see what message they have for me.

I am aware that there are signs that I’m still not seeing and awarenesses that I’m still not completely (or at all) grasping at the moment – but I know that the Universe is still continually communicating with me and that I will see what I need to see and know what I need to know when the time is right. I am grateful for this reassurance that I am Divinely guided and that what is meant for me will not pass me by. The right doors will open, the right people will be there for me, and everything will unfold as it is meant to be. The signs are big and little, sometimes glaring and sometimes super subtle. My “r/R” has started sticking on my computer. Even that, I think is a message for me. It’s taken me a couple of weeks to figure it out, but I think I just realized what it is. Now I have to figure out what I’m supposed to do about it. It really is a fun adventure, this mystery of life.

The Universe is always talking to us – through signs and symbols, both literal and figurative – through songs, song lyrics, memories, overheard bits of conversations, interactions with other people, articles and books and movies that catch our attention, traffic jams … and countless other synchronicities. Are you paying attention? Does it strike you that maybe the message I received was also a message for you? There is something here for you – or you wouldn’t have read this far, don’t you think? I think so. And I invite you to open your awareness and start listening more closely to the myriad ways that Life is constantly communicating with you.

So, what has the Universe been saying to you – are you listening and are you able to figure out the messages? Feel free to share any stories – big or small, recent or historical – or any thoughts about this topic in the comments below. Also, if you’d like some help figuring it out, I do psychic/intuitive readings online and I’d be happy to consult with you. Just leave me a message and we’ll set up an appointment. Whether you contact me or not, best wishes on this magical journey of life! Namaste.

The Healing Power of Embracing Imperfection

I am currently editing a workbook that I wrote 20 years ago. I’m hoping to self-publish it this November. It’s just been sitting in my closet (and on my computer) all of these years. Twenty years later, as I re-read my own words, I think about how much it would have helped me over the years to have re-visited these words and concepts on a regular basis. I’m also thinking about how many other women this workbook could have helped – and how I’ve denied them that possibility by not bringing it out into the world. I wasn’t sure it was “good enough.” I was sure it wasn’t perfect. But, you know what? Virtually nothing is – and it doesn’t have to be! WE don’t have to be! Perfection is not required!

This workbook came about as a result of a failed marriage, my first. During that marriage, I felt like I had lost my sense of Self. In trying to be the “perfect” wife, I had lost my own identity. Our greatest learning comes from our greatest mistakes – and I had learned a lot of hard lessons. I wrote a 400 page book about it, then condensed that down into a workbook of lessons to take away – and questions to ask – in order to explore what I really want in my life, what my priorities are, and who I truly am outside of who I’ve been programmed to think I’m supposed to be by my family, church, schools, society, media, etc.

I’m thinking about the concept of the path of the Wounded Healer, which I’ll be writing more about in a future blog post. The trials, tribulations, and pain that we go through can teach us lessons that we can use to help others and ourselves. They can make us stronger. Yes, fallible. Yes, imperfect. Yes, human. But the reality is that we are all human. Perfection doesn’t exist – and our insistence on striving for it and negating ourselves unless we achieve it – is harmful. Our ability to move forward despite our imperfections, our willingness to embrace our imperfections, and our determination to live our full lives and share our imperfect gifts – are all steps toward healing. Allowing ourselves to be imperfect is a step toward healing.

I know a significant amount of information regarding how to have unsatisfying – even abusive – relationships … and also, how to not repeat those same mistakes. I know how to choose the wrong partners. I know how to put their needs above my own and not speak up for myself (which is not a strategy that I recommend!). I know how to betray my own interests and Self (also not recommended!). I could go on, but you get the picture. The thing is, because of these hard lessons, I can relate to people who are facing these issues. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine allowing a man to mistreat me. I wondered, Why on earth would these women put up with that? – until I was in that situation and then watched myself in some disbelief feeling and acting in ways that had previously been incomprehensible to me. I also learned how to heal myself from the many poor, harmful choices I made – and that is one of the gifts that I bring to the world.

Obviously, I still don’t have all of the answers. I’m not perfect. My message isn’t perfect – but it’s still worthwhile and helpful – and, for a lot of women, relatable. I could be wrong, but I believe that more women than not give their power away in relationships. I believe that many women lose their sense of Self in relationships. I believe that many women (and men) are unhappy with the sexual aspect of their relationships (obviously, with the infidelity rates being what they are). I believe that good communication and clarity about who we are, what we want, need, desire, and value would be helpful. I’m working on that in my own life.

I’m learning to (still) be willing to make mistakes (at my age, LOL – we’re never too old to make mistakes!). I’m learning to be willing to speak up even if I say the “wrong” thing. I’m trying. I’m doing my best. I’m learning as I go – that never stops, does it? I think that in a healthy human being, we are always learning and growing – if we stop, we stagnate. I’m learning to give myself space – to allow myself to just be, to rest, to do what I need to do to take care of myself in each moment. I’m creating space for me to live and breathe and explore and play and laugh – rather than be bound by social expectations and the unbearable seriousness of life. As long as I can remember, I’ve felt the need to create and hold space for myself and others to be our authentic selves. I’ve always felt an inner rebellion against conformity and the expectations of perfection (which has not protected me or prevented me from falling into these traps on occasion).

I can help people who are going through what I’ve been through – at the very least, I can offer empathy and compassion. I can share what helped me. I don’t have to have reached a perfect level of healing, either, in order to be helpful. That’s another trap people fall into – thinking we’re not an “expert” until we’ve completely mastered something or gotten it perfect. That is false. Nobody ever truly masters anything – there’s always room for improvement. Even doctors “practice” medicine – and we put our lives in their hands. We can’t hold our gifts back from the world until we reach an impossible level of perfection – we owe it to ourselves and to the world to share our gifts now. Yes, some professions require a certain level of competence – we don’t want to hurt anyone, so we get the requisite training. But for everything else, what’s holding us back? And why are we letting it?

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.